It's the Little Things in Life that Matter Most

About a month ago I was as stressed out as I've ever been. Worry, hurt, confusion and anxiety consumed my every waking thought like a wild fire consumes a forest. I've been a worrier my whole life, always pondering the 'what-ifs' of every situation. But this was beyond that. This was to the point where I was making myself physically ill. I've had shingles three times in the past year, and a major cause of that is stress. While I've been trying to watch my diet and exercise more, stress has also helped me lose a lot of weight.

People may be wondering what was so worrisome to me. I don't want to get into all of that in too much detail, as some of it is very personal. But marital discord was part of it. Worrying about money was too. Living in a house that is some days literally falling apart was another. And the big one: always worrying what other people thought, worrying about how my comments or actions would be taken by others, worrying if I am good enough, if I'm a good enough friend, daughter, wife, employee, cousin, granddaughter. And wondering what God could possibly love about me when it seems like no matter how hard I try, I end up screwing things up some how.

When Derek and I left for our Deep South vacation, I was at my breaking point. I would burst into tears for seemingly no reason at all. Some days I had to give myself a pep talk to get out of bed. I read my Bible searching for comfort, but when I found it, I was sure that couldn't apply to me. I make too many mistakes for that to apply to me. I was short-tempered with my friends and co-workers. I was tired of people pointing out my short-comings and telling me what I should do. When a compliment came my way, I didn't fully believe it. And I was really tired of not having enough of me to go around.

When I left on our trip, Derek couldn't believe how anxious and worried I was about everything. I was no longer the go with the flow girl, the happy fun excited girl, the one who worried about something only when it was about to blow up in my face. What happened to spontaneous Sarah, who one time thought it was a really good idea to drive to North Carolina for two days just so we could swim in the ocean? I was hyper-vigilant, trying to be one step ahead of the next disaster, always waiting, waiting for the bottom to fall out yet again. Even little things had the power to push me into a full-blown tizzy. Did I lock the door at home? Were my dogs going to be OK for a whole week? Where in the hell did I put my camera charger? Little things were pushing me to the brink of insanity. Was Mike crabby on the phone when I talked to him or just tired? Was my mom sad she couldn't go with us? The most debilitating feeling was guilt. Did I deserve to go on this trip? Shouldn't I be home, helping take care of the kennel, working all I could, putting every penny into savings? What if something happened to my mom or grandparents while I was away. As you can see, I left no stone unturned in the worry department.

It took a couple of days for me to settle down and actually fully enjoy the new sites and scenery around me. As Derek and I talked, and we had many heart to hearts, I could feel the tension slowly begin to drain away. Derek should really be a minister or counselor, because he helped me through my worry web and helped me see that I AM good enough. God IS there through all the bad things, even when they seem insurmountable. He is there every step of the way and as long as you try to trust in Him and have faith, everything WILL be okay. Each one of us is a sinner and is in no way perfect, but as long as we try our best and have faith and try to follow his word, then in his eyes, we are worthy. After all, Derek said, he sent his only Son down to save us from our sin. And nothing can separate you from the love of God unless you allow it to.

Those seven days away were a healing of sorts for me. I realized that any friend worth their salt will love me no matter the mistakes I make or if I can't make it to a social outing because I have to work. A true friend does not judge, but is there to offer a helping hand. And I realized that I am a good friend, wife, daughter, granddaughter, co-worker...etc. As long as I try my best to do right by others, then that's all that can be asked. The only regret I continue to have, though I'm trying my best to beat it, is the lack of time. If I only I had more time for everyone I love. But unfortunately, I have to work and I work weird hours, so I'm learning to make due with what I can do.

The things I remember most about that trip are not necessarily the tourist sites we saw along the way, although those were super cool. My treasured moments are the small things. The wind blowing across us as we stood hundreds of feet in the air on the Hot Spring Mountain Tower; feeling the hot sun beat down on me as I walked along the side of a rice field; watching my best friend be overly excited about getting to walk through a mucky swamp; staring at the mighty Mississippi and knowing it will keep on flowing no matter if I'm having a good day or a bad day; and driving through the endless miles of corn on our way home through Illinois, chatting with my best friend and knowing he will be there for me no matter what. Knowing that he sees the true Sarah, and loves me and accepts me for who I am. And knowing that God does the same. Knowing that I am never alone, though I had felt so alone and overwhelmed this summer.

While I am not completely rid of the hyper-vigilant, anxiety ridden facet of my personality, it is much better. I made a conscious decision not to worry so much about things beyond my control. Those I turn over to God in prayer. When people are snippy with me or try to give me a guilt trip, I stand firm and try not to feel bad. If I am wrong, I readily admit it and offer an apology. When my feelings are hurt, instead of mulling it over, I forgive and try to understand. Most of all, I try to remember that I am a good person and accept myself for who I am, shortcomings and all. And I try to remember that everyone is fighting some sort of battle, maybe unseen from the eyes of others, so kindness and compassion is a must. I know many people don't know the battles I've been waging in myself and my life because I tend to hide them, so I'm sure many others do the same.

So when I returned from this trip, I did not return perfect and whole. But I did return with an appreciation of the little things in life that I take for granted sometimes. Even when things seem hopeless, tomorrow is a new day. Every day is filled with blessings, small and big, and it's important to thank God for those blessings. Out of every horrible situation, God will bring something good from it, if you let him. I have seen that a few times this summer now that I've let go of the worry, and it is truly miraculous in my eyes.

This Labor Day weekend was the best one I've had in years. Not because of some great trip or event, but because it was filled with little blessings. Instead of worrying about money because Mike's work year is winding down, I thanked God for the money I was able to make at work. Instead of trying to plan some big party or outing, I spent the weekend mostly at my grandparents house with my mom and husband. I made my family tater tot hotdish, and my grandpa ate TWO helpings, which is rare these days with his finicky stomach. I drank a lot of coffee, made by my grandma. I played board games with my mom and Grandma. I watched my dogs run around the yard, always so happy and ears flopping away. I made a blueberry cheesecake dessert, which everyone said was great, but which I secretly thought sucked, but hey, they ate it. I walked my dog down the road and met Grandpa coming from my uncle's house on his little lawn tractor, just like the old days. I climbed the hill behind my grandpa's and helped Mike hang a tree stand and sat in that tree stand and looked out over the farm where I grew up. I helped my mom pick cherry tomatoes and watched while she fed my dog about a dozen of them, laughing the whole time. I walked through the dried up pond on the hill where Meghan and I used to pick wildflowers as little girls. I cried after leaving my grandparents AGAIN, so sad that they are getting older and may soon be gone from me, but so grateful that I can still spend time with them. And I thanked God for these seemingly ordinary things, because they are special in their own way.

There was a time when I was not happy unless some major social event was planned, or we were going out that night, or we were having a party at our house. While I still love my friends and spending time with them, I realize it's not always the big events that are best. It's the small things I will remember. So happy Fall to everyone! I am going to go on a walk today and maybe pick some flowers. I certainly have enough energy now because as I wrote this I drank a pot of coffee. Who knew giving up Diet Coke would help me love coffee again? Another small thing to appreciate :)