Where did I go?

It has been such a long time since I have written on this blog! Almost two years to be exact, as my boss/friend Renee reminded me. I was expecting Carolina then, ready to pop any day. Once she was born, she ruled the roost and I don't know where time has gone.
This post is about how I have changed as a person in the last couple of years. Some days I don't even recognize myself! Not only has becoming a mother changed me (for the good), but I have gone through some pretty big life-altering events in the past two years, including beginning a writing career and losing the best man I've ever known, my grandpa.
I am not sure how people have perceived me over the years, but I think I was seen as the party-girl, the silly girl, the girl who laughed really loudly and always had a story to tell. I know she still exists, somewhere deep down. I miss her. I miss being silly. I miss laughing with my friends. I miss me.
My world turned upside down on Aug. 31, 2013. My uncle called and told me my grandfather had had a heart attack and that he was being rushed to the Cities. Long story short, he passed away the next day with his family encircling him. That was the absolute worst day of my life. I have talked and talked and written some more about that day in Facebook postings, so I won't go into detail here. But I never knew I could survive that kind of emotional pain. I'm still surprised the world kept turning. To me, it should have stopped, at least for a moment, out of respect for a great man.
Not only was Thanksgiving this year terrible, for we were all sad, but Christmas wasn't much better. We were in the ER with Grandma on and off that day, and she was finally admitted to the hospital. She was in and out of the hospital and nursing home all winter (and what a winter it was!) before they finally diagnosed her with a stomach ulcer and depression. I guess losing Grandpa took more of a toll on her than we knew. She always seemed so stoic, but it was internalized.
This blog isn't a listing of everything bad that happened to me this year. Everyone has bad things happen to them, and I am not unique. My pain is no worse than anyone else's. But I only know myself from the inside out, no one else. Derek might know me that well too, come to think of it.
I just know that I have changed so much in the last year and I wonder how to reverse it. Some of it is good, don't get me wrong. I have finally 'grown up' and realize that staying up partying til 7 a..m. is a poor decision on so many levels. Can't remember the last time I did that anyway. I realize that I have a beautiful daughter who depends on me for everything. I was always pretty responsible, but now I am hyper-vigilant.
No, what has changed is my sparkle. I feel like a dull, rusty version of my former self. I feel sad, depressed and some days I really just don't want to do anything. Some days seem like a never-ending succession of doing things that I really just don't want to do, but have to because they need to be done. I hide it well. But sometimes I just want to scream and tell the world 'please, just leave me alone. Stop asking me for things. Stop expecting so much of me.'
I don't laugh like I used to. I don't dream up stupid, spontaneous things to drag Derek along to (like driving to North Carolina for a long weekend so he could see the ocean. And because I had four days off...in a row!) I barely had the energy when I get home to take a shower, let alone the 27-mile long list of 'to do's.'
Not long ago, and this is hard for me to admit, but I broke down. I just lost it. I don't know if it was a technical nervous breakdown. But I couldn't get out of bed for two days. Luckily my mom is awesome, because she came over and just let me be. This came not long after my other grandpa, my dad's dad, passed away suddenly and unexpectedly.
I just cried and cried and cried. I cried as I thought of the people I have lost. I cried because I am no longer the 'apple of anyone's eye' anymore. I cried because my safety net (my grandpa Harlan) is gone, and he is never coming back, and why oh why do I have to stand on my own two feet with no one to catch me if I fall? These were the thoughts going through my head. Depression isn't always logical, I have found. I also had been anxiety ridden, which was NEVER like me. Even tiny things have made me anxious and nervous. Forgetful. Sometimes I would shake with nerves over something as miniscule as forgetting to mail a bill.
Another thing that has weighed me down is guilt. Guilt that I'm not home enough with my daughter. Guilt brought on by Mike reminding me that yet again, I forgot to do something for him, that he feels neglected. Guilt at not calling my friends, not trying to maintain friendships, not putting any effort whatsoever into it. Guilt at not caring, because I feel forgotten by many of them anyway, because yes we're all busy but why do I always have to make the effort, the phone calls, the emails, and am sick of trying. Guilt is a heavy thing to bear.
This all so sounds so terrible, doesn't it? Just rereading it has me wondering, 'God should I even publish this? It's so depressing and people will think I'm nuts!!'
But I will publish it and for one very important reason. Grief is an awful thing. It consumes like fire, it drowns you in despair or burns like an ache in your gut. It molds you in ways you never thought possible. It changes you. It makes you a little bit harder, a little bit less likely to open up to anyone. At least in my case.
I will always miss both of my grandfathers, my dad (the idea of him), my mentor, and others. Grandpa Harlan's death knocked me to my knees. He was my rock. He made me feel safe and loved, even when I felt abandoned by the rest of the world. Nothing was insurmountable when I talked to him. Little did I know that it would take about 7 months after his death to finally hit full force. Everyone who says that grief hits you later, that everything is too busy after the death with the planning and readjusting etc. hit it right on the head.
So no one worries, I am doing MUCH better and am not consumed with doom and gloom anymore. I feel like I have reached the light at the end of the tunnel. Getting knocked down by grief and despair was a valuable lesson for me to learn. I learned that I am SO strong, that I can get through anything. But not alone. God was always waiting there to pick me up. Even when I pushed him away. I also learned that I AM GOOD ENOUGH, JUST THE WAY I AM. And NO ONE can take that away. As long as I try my best, what can anyone say to me?
I am looking forward to the future for the first time in awhile. I have energy and plans. And most importantly, I have a beautiful little girl who loves her mommy and is an angel here on earth. She is my reason for being. And I wouldn't have it any other way.
I shared this story because I think it's important to know what grief and feelings of guilt can do to a person. It's important to offer support to someone when you know they are going through a terrible thing. It's also important to know when to seek help, professionally, spiritually, whatever you need. There is no shame in needing help. I found mine through the Bible, long talks with my best friend Derek and an inner strength I had forgotten I possessed. Maybe one of these days I will almost be me again.